I have always (since the beginning of this journey) had a hard time not looking at this procreation business as a race. Here and there, slowly but surely, friends and family would become pregnant, have their babies and so their lives would begin. As time went on, there seemed to be more friends and family becoming pregnant at (what seemed to me to be) an alarming rate.

How do I manoeuver through it? By assuming an active role in the lives of those friends and family members with babies. By being there shortly after they come into this world, by offering my help and just by being there for my friends (who sometimes look as though they just lived through a war).

I am happy when a friend has a baby, tells me they are expecting a baby or that they have even begun trying. The journey is half the fun (or frustration) for so many, who am I to burst their bubbles or to rain down on them with my own story? I have learned that time heals. These bumps in the road are amazing opportunities to look inside (and not at the fallopian tubes), at the soul. I have begun to explore what my life is like, in reality, and how I can take this struggle and turn it into something amazing. All the while eating better (therefore weighing less) and sharing more.

Is my biology still ticking away? Most definitely, but I no longer let it be the one guiding force. I have so much more to work through or make better about myself, my marriage and the way I see the world.

If I can accomplish all this reflection and change without a big belly in the way then I am happy.

I like my clock ticking slow but steady.

L*



Loosen up

May 27, 2010

I wanna be loose-er. Seriously? Get your mind outta there. I want to move through my life with weightless shoulders, and weightless weight (if only).

I have immersed myself in the whole ‘taking care of me’ regime, and it’s fabulous. I mean it. I can almost totally ignore cake now… this is a huge accomplishment. But beyond the stereotypical ‘me’ behavior, I am feeling content, lighter and together. There is an overall sense of well-being surrounding my life.

This cleanse has reached my brain. I feel balanced. I don’t think I have ever felt balanced in my whole life. I don’t snap anymore, not at my husband or my family. I should have done this a long time ago.

As much as I thought this way of eating would be near impossible, I have managed. The real lesson that came through this experience is the price I was willing to pay for the instant gratification of say a piece of pie and ice cream.

That got me thinking.

Instant gratification rules my generation (cool name for a song), but it’s true. And when we decided to embark on this baby making, the most natural of tasks, I realized that I was expecting it to go my way, right away.

This whole process has been a wake up call. It’s time to treat myself with some respect. Eat, pray, love?

Kinda.

L*

Support system

May 23, 2010

Thank God for the people who love us.

When I decided to re route my path towards making a baby it was a tough decision. You never know if ‘just that one more time’ would have been the time. But I stuck to my guns and am now working through my first cleanse (a naturopath’s answer to a crash diet), taking homeopathic remedies for things I’ve lived through a lifetime ago and exploring the wonderful world of imagery and visualization.

Guess what? I feel more alive and content than I have in a long time. I feel like me again, but the me had been missing for so long that I forgot what she felt like. It turns out she’s kinda chubby, but ‘has a nice face’ and oh yeah- she’s pretty funny.

I asked a girlfriend what she thought about this ‘new direction’ (for all you Gleeks out there)- and she said that in the time she has been watching me go through this, I have been lightest and happiest on the holistic route. I had never even realized this. That’s what friends are for; it turns out they are pretty handy.

Having a support system, real friends or family who genuinely care about what it is that you’re going through, they are the ones you pick to be a part of your child’s life. They are the ones who tell you when your ass looks big in those jeans, the ones who don’t judge you when you stalk your ex and the ones who take your pain as if it was their own, cry with you, support you and remind you to keep your eye on the prize. The prize being the baby, the boyfriend, the husband. Whatever you covet.

So thank you to those of you, near and far  in my life who support me. I will never have enough kids to make you all Godparents, but I will love you with all my heart.


L*

Livin.

May 19, 2010

I turned 33 last week. It was good. No, better than good. It was great. I partied like it was 1999 (which is when I was 22, and didn’t party so hard).

I have enjoyed the last little while; getting back into the sports I love, welcoming the warm weather with open arms and spending time with good friends just doing nothing… (or watching hockey and praying to God that we make in through this round).

I was thinking about my last post, about how I have this circle of new mums or MIWs (mums in waiting) that I like to surround myself with. I thought about how I fit into this group, what my story will be. I am going with my gut on this one and know that if I pursue the things that make my body healthier and my mind happier then I can’t go wrong.

I can’t name what I’m doing to create this baby, I just know that my heart has set me on this path and I’d like to see where it takes me.

One foot in front of the other, and all of a sudden we’re walking. It’s the same with fertility- Try and try again. Never give up. Think positive. Live in the now. Visualize it. Relax.

I think I’m gonna like this route.

L*

I’m baaaaack.

May 11, 2010

It’s been a great week off from writing, from thinking and from feeling the raging hormones. I am beginning to feel better; lighter, happier and more driven. Perhaps my birthday had something to do with the change in attitude; presents always make me smile.

I wanted to share with you something that I experienced a few short weeks ago. I was having a brunch with some girlfriends when I realized how many different roads there were to one goal. Let me explain. One of my girlfriends was working toward international adoption, the other had conceived both children through insemination and the third, well she was pregnant with number 4. It dawned on me as I sat there that there is no one way to becoming a parent. It isn’t about how you conceive (fertility treatments) or even that you bear them (adoption), it’s all about what happens after that counts.

I don’t want to discredit any woman who says she loved being pregnant, because not only is that rare, but it’s a cool and beautiful thing to think and say aloud. I do hear however, from the vast majority of my girlfriends- that pregnancy was a means to an end. I had to come to terms with not caring about being pregnant but really caring about being a mum. I am proud to say that I am there now.

I’m not sure what our future holds with regard to children. I know we will be parents one day no matter what. How we will get there?

That is an adventure all its own.

L*

Hormone-azy

May 2, 2010

I feel nuts.

I am at the beginning of my first month without any hormones in my system. I was under the impression that I would feel better, cleaner, like new. But no. Instead I feel worse. I am not the only one who has noticed either.

A big part of the reason that I have been M.I.A. for the past week is that I didn’t know how to proceed with all this fertility mess. Part of me is content to continue on the road, taking drugs and trying for a baby the new-fashioned way. The other part of me (a much bigger part) is ready to throw in the towel, to accept my fate and to stop bargaining with God and Mother Nature.

I think we’re officially on a break. Me and my meds that is.

It’s not that I don’t think they can work, because I know enough people, enough statistics to support that they can and do work. It’s more the fact that I am having difficulty adjusting to the perpetual shift in hormone levels, the fact that we have no idea what all these meds will do to my body long-term, and that I am ready to be childless for quite some more time.

We will try, we will visit the clinic and stay in touch. We are researching eastern approaches to fertility. We need to fall back in love with each other, our life together and the fact that we are both young and healthy. My marriage is important too. It’s something that modern fertility treatments  have forced into the backseat.

Not anymore.

Stay tuned for the adventures of natural fertility approaches.

It should be fun.

You can live drug free. Just watch me.

L*