Life-changing.

June 29, 2010

You know those moments in life where you experience something so incredible that it changes you? This past weekend was that moment for me, and the moments happened over and over again.

I can’t tell you in words how much this workshop moved me, changed me or motivated me. It would be silly to try to sum up the amount of growing that I did over the course of one single day. It would be near impossible to express how amazing it was for me to spend the day with all these other couples, going through the exact same thing as my husband and I have been going through.

Mostly, it wouldn’t do this workshop justice to say that I walked away knowing what my future holds and understanding how to attain my dream of being a mum.

Thank you Julia for an eye-opening, heart wrenching, tear streaming, love filled, special-beyond-words day.

L*

Purge it.

June 25, 2010

There are so many ways that we strive to make ourselves healthier; we eat better, exercise, learn to listen, reflect and all the rest of it.  There are special cleanses, diets and drinks. We subscribe to the newest, most holistic approaches and buy the gear to go with it. We read, surf and order the answers.

What we all need to do sometimes, is purge.

I’m not talking about throwing up what you’ve just eaten, or throwing up full stop. I’m talking about taking stock of your life and purging the things (and people) who waste space or cleaning out your closet (if you’re Eminem).

Look around at the things in your living and working space, are they there to enhance the space or to distract you and all who wander in? Once you’ve done this, you will begin to see (a little easier than before) all the things you don’t use or need, that you insist on hanging on to. They say that before a baby comes we women nest. I think purging is a version of this, we need to treat ourselves like tiny vulnerable beings, because as much as we all like to seem tough, if we’re honest, we aren’t.

People. Purging people is much trickier. We need to ask ourselves how important this relationship is to the well-being of ourselves and then act accordingly. A few years back I had a friend who purged me, citing the obvious flaws of my character and how it would be better this way. Without realizing it then, this was an incredible favour. If you’re feeling badly about someone being in your life, chances are these awkward vibes are reciprocal.

Today, being that I am searching for motherhood with an open heart, I remind myself time and time again that the people I choose to surround myself with are meant to be supportive and loving- making me strive to be the same. I remain sensitive to the little hiccups in life; part of what makes being female sometimes challenging. But as time moves forward I am developing, not a thicker skin, but a more honest and understanding nature. I am who I am. I just don’t have to be my own victim.

This summer is the beginning of my purging and my renewal. I can eat whole foods and drink wheat grass til the cows come home, but I need to be still in my soul.

It’s only through this journey, to becoming a mother, where all this has come to my attention.

Thank you little baby, you helped me even before I knew you.

L*

I had this incredible dream recently. It was of a woman, and this woman held both my hands and told me that she didn’t want me to worry anymore and that my baby was coming.

Was it a message of some kind? Wishful dreaming? Who knows. All I know is that ever since that dream occurred, I am no longer worried.

Time isn’t of the essence, my eggs are not stale. I no longer think that if a friend announces their pregnancy, that they stole it from me. I know that everyday is a gift, and a chance to experience the joys in life, not to spend time sulking about the things that could be.

I look to the future and it’s bright.


L*

My two dads.

June 21, 2010

There are two critical pieces to the family puzzle, but more and more one piece is being overlooked. The father is now a secondary character in the lives of so many children.

How easy it is to make a baby, but to raise one -now that’s a different story. I want this post, in light of father’s day, to be dedicated to all the men out there who are fathers.

I sat down to write this and considered all the things that a father can bring to their child’s life. The following are just a few.

Fathers are:

great listeners

handymen

bear huggers

sounding boards

lesson teachers

protectors

heads of families

the “easy” parent

movers

tear dryers

coaches

friends

and caregivers


I have had the fortune of having not one, but two great fathers in my life. My first dad, who has since passed away, was (what some would call) a character. As I grow into true adulthood I have been told I am more and more like him everyday. My sense of humour and nervous energy being but a few of the many traits I was so blessed to take on. When I run into people who knew my father well, they see him in me. This is something I carry in my heart with great pride, because if he can’t be here with me, at least he is living through me and because of that I have never felt alone. So what is my first father to me? He is my guardian angel. He is my character, my strength and self-reliance. He is also my friendliness, my ability to strike up a conversation and my big heart. He has undoubtedly left a hole in my heart, I wish he was here, but feel as though I know him as I grow into someone just like him.

My second father is a man who took me and my little sister on as if we were his own children. He is our protector, our friend and a teacher of so many things. He watched us grow into awkward teenagers and walked us down the aisle on our respective wedding days. He always put the memory of our father first, and it is for that reason that I am the most grateful for him. What did dad number two teach me? To have honour, to strive for the things that mattered in life. He taught me to make sure that any man worth dating was good enough for me. He taught me that no matter what he would always be there to pick me up (both literally and figuratively).

Being that I write a fertility blog, and that the greater part of the past two and a half years has been spent trying to start a family, I wanted to highlight the beauty of family; in all its genres.

I am so lucky to have a man in my life who happens to embody the spirit of both my fathers (something that they say we, as daughters, look for in a man -thus making this a tall order, as I have two fathers). I look forward to the day that my husband becomes a father. Because we cannot overlook the power and importance of the man who chooses to stick around and care for a child, in the deepest and most selfless and profound way.

Thank you to all you men out there who have fathered children and held them, loved them and given them all the good of you, to carry with pride. Thank you also to the men out there who have taken on a child who is not of their blood, but have given them the love and stability all children crave. You are very special people, and are dearly loved.

I still miss my father everyday. I know he is watching over me (still laughing when I trip and fall, which he used to do, but come one that stuff is funny) and loving me in the way he can; through my dreams and my successes in life.

L*



I am living in a fast paced world. True story. We all are, well at least those of you who are reading this.

What does this world (today) do to help us find our inner voice? Nothing. We are simply riding along the wave of busy. And the waves are coming stronger, bigger and faster. If you love yourself, then take the time to change that fate. If you’re trying for a baby- time to make yourself, your mind and body the priority.

Don’t rely on doctors and drugs but rather you, for the answers. Our bodies are incredible machines, but they are in tune with the soul, so we need to balance ourselves first before anything else.

I am slowly learning introspection. It’s making all the difference in my life. It helps with baby making, but more importantly it takes the bad stuff out of me, each breath being a cleanse, a chance for renewal.

I feel closer to my baby, I know they are right there waiting for the perfect time to arrive.

Cherish all the moments leading up to the miracle, because they too are miraculous.

L*

Other people’s babies.

June 15, 2010

Look how cute he/she is! What used to make my uterus ache, now has much less power. I hit an age where other people’s babies are… well, not mine. The novelty has worn off folks. When I hold someone else’s baby, instead of resenting their parents or praying that mine is on the way, I find myself praying that they don’t smell like urine or throw up on me.

There I said it.

So the next time you offer me to change your baby’s diaper or burp them, think about it. Is that something that anyone would want to do?

L*

In these technological times, as people abandon the good old-fashioned ways of sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings we are seeing an amazing move towards blogging. Blogging is like journaling, for the technologically mediocre (I’d say savvy but come on, blogging is so five years ago…)

So why do it? Is it for fame? The inner child’s desire to be looked at and paid attention to? Sure. Is it to get a book deal or be able to make some cash off your unique perspective? For some, hopefully.

I think the main idea behind this undeniably narcissistic practice is that it feels good to “let it out”, whatever it may be.

For me, it, was this suffocating feeling like I was being punished for something I may have said or done years ago. I was consumed by the fact that all these women around me were popping out babies left and right and I couldn’t. This space, which is open for all to see, is where I felt moved to “let it out”. The result? An incredible weight lifted off my shoulders, but even better: an entire audience of people who read and send messages of encouragement and love.

It is for me that I write.

It’s because of you that I continue.

L* xx

Ok, I’m a Gleek. Now you all know and can a) feel closer to me or b) judge me. But be careful with the judging, as I’m probably already “friends” with you on facebook and know more of your dirty little secrets than I had ever wanted to.

I like the song, cause I’m openly into 70s and 80s power ballads. The title just seems so relevant as we enter this new phase in our quest for parenthood. In the next few days, I will find myself at a workshop where I have to wear comfortable clothes and learn how to embrace this part of my life; the W’s part (wanting, wishing and waiting). The comfortable clothes? That can only mean one thing: yoga, stretching and being close with my partner (who in this case would be my husband).

I’m super into this whole thing. I’m into not being pregnant right now, because great things are starting to happen to my body, my self-esteem and my relationships. I’m living again; and I’m whole (not to sound too cheesy but shit-this is the real thing). I kinda wish I had hit that wall a year ago, but everything happens for a reason and here I find myself.

There is no trick to surviving the wait, or the biological tocking- there is only determination and loving yourself enough to put yourself first, I think that’s where I may have gone wrong. I now consider this journey more than half the battle, it’s the whole thing. This journey is what’s making me who I am, it can break your heart but simultaneously enrich your life.

Hold on to that feeling?

I think I will.

L*