Look Inside.

August 31, 2010

We can never fully understand why things happen, but they do. That is the sum total of my life experience to date: things happening. Good things and bad things, exciting things and momentous things, difficult and depressing things. The world keeps turning and you’re, somehow, to make it out in one piece.

I’ve come into this new period in what was formerly my journey to become a mother and is now more like my quest to be a mother to myself, with squinted eyes. I’m not sure I want to see all the things that are hanging around in this space. In order to mother myself, I have to love myself. Here lies the difficulty.

Throughout my life I have never been a person to shy away from loving someone else. In all manner of speaking. I love my family honestly and sometimes cruelly, with great difficulty. I love my past boyfriends and current husband with passion and joy, with dramatics and patience. I love my friends of yesterday and today with openness and honesty, sometimes with possession and insecurity. The one commonality is I have always had enough love to pass around, even the destructive kind; which is what can happen when you act directly from the heart.

I don’t know if this pause in my journey has to do with being with myself in the past month, or if it’s some kind of sign that I’m not ready (whatever that means), or perhaps it’s just a blessing that has been passed to me, giving me the time and space to be truly self-aware.

I am only one person, but an intrinsic part of my own destiny.

L*

Period of growth.

August 23, 2010

An old friend and I used to refer to the rough spots in our respective lives as ‘periods of growth’. Even at the young (in retrospect) age of 21, we understood that it had to hurt to change. Nobody likes change so the story goes.

I have finally hit the wall. The period of growth if you will. It hurts, like hell. I have wanted to have a baby for so long that my entire life was defined by it. If you don’t believe me, peruse back a few posts (or more) and see what I mean.

There’s not one thing in my life at this moment that comes easy, and just as I’m about to embark on another year of teaching, I feel less than adequate at best.

I’m trying to figure out where I disappeared to, amoung the fertility clinics, diet changes, meditations, prayers, workshops, books and fights with my husband. Somewhere on this road I got lost, and I’m waiting as I type this, to be found.

It seems to me that the best laid plans, aren’t laid at all. I have suddenly realized what I need to do for me, in this moment. I have been waiting to become a mother, for it to define me. I have forgotten the qualities that I possess, the things that my friends love about me, the things that I love about myself.

I am in the midst of making plans, plans that stretch as far as a year ahead and then some. And for the first time recently, I am ok with no longer trying to make this baby. No longer worrying that my body will fail me if I wait too long. I can’t be a victim of my own biology, I have to embrace the things I do have and make choices to make myself happy.

I am still somewhere inside wishing for that bean. But more so than ever, I am wishing to heal, to laugh and to be energized by the world around me, and all its complexities.

Time to be ok with just being.

L*

Thank you.

August 19, 2010

Out of all the writing I have done to date, and there’s been quite a bit, I think it’s high time to re-direct my attention (and ultimately yours) to the main man in my show.

Sometimes when you take a break from your own world you return more mixed up than when you left, and other times things hit you in the face with such force and clarity, that you have to catch your breath. I happen to find myself in a little of column ‘a’ and a little of column ‘b’.

Maybe the whole point of walking this road, for me, is to learn patience and find the happiness within myself that no baby, or fully grown human can provide for me. Perhaps, when I look back at my life in years to come, I will understand why this happened to us, to me. For now it can weigh on you like, well… a weight (a really, really heavy one- not just one of those arm bands you wear jogging or anything).

Out of everywhere in this great big world I can choose to be, I find myself in the one place that I will always call home. I have traveled- and learned from other people, tasted food, met boys, had drinks, smoked some, spoke a different dialect, wrote, saw, heard and felt. All these experiences brought me to this point in my life. This point being a sometimes rocky, always passionate, loving, love-affair with a man, and a place, that makes my heart soar. This is my home, because he is here.

And while the world around us is wild, inside I am still, thanks to him.

I love you, my love.

L*

L-O-V-E

August 17, 2010

I decided to take a mini break and head to Ireland for some clearing of my mind and my soul. It was the trip of a lifetime in many ways because it brought me back home, and in love- whole again.

This journey that  we face, along with many of you, is not only as simple as bringing a baby into our family. It’s also about control, trust, respect for the universe and love. And when the going gets tough, the first thing to go is the love.

Some people know how ridiculously in love I am with Ireland- that love, the air, the people and the break from reality saved me this time. It gave me a new perspective, it built me up and broke me down- all things that needed to happen. I thought I was heading out there to visit some friends, specifically to support and old friend going through a rough time. In the end, it was also for me.

I wanted Ireland to cradle me in her arms and remind me what it was to live, and enjoy my life. How I would feel missing my husband and do on my own. All things considered, it may have taken the scenic route, but as I write this I got there, and in one piece too.

The best thing we can hope for on this journey is to learn along the way. The more we struggle, the more we grow and the richer our lives are for it.

Just when I thought I was at the end of my rope, there’s 100 more yards.

L*