September 28, 2010

I am scared that I am not meant to be a mother. I am frightened by the idea that I may never be able to carry a child and assist God in a miracle, as they say. I want so badly to be strong and courageous on the inside.

Lately, I look around at every opportunity I have ever had, not with fascination or pride but with longing and regret. All the years I tried, I could have been doing… something else. I’ve been told that this is not a way to live, but to those people I say: walk this road and then come and speak to me. I don’t want your advice; I want a hug, I want an understanding ear and I want to feel like no matter what I say, it will be received without judgment (short of committing a crime, cause in that case feel free to report me).

I teeter from day to day, making more mistakes in recent months than I have in my whole life. Feeling regret one moment and indignation the next. Wanting to be a part of the exclusive club of the new mums and then belong to the itchy feet of the travelers club. I want to be married for life and I want to be alone tomorrow.

I thank my lucky stars for a supportive husband. I pray that these moments will dissipate as time goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for.

This course is deceiving.



A time for everything.

September 15, 2010

Back to reality, work is in full swing and so my free time is limited. Work is in full swing and so my worry time is also, limited. What a delicious consequence of being busy… not having to deal with the things you know you ought to.

When people have asked me lately, how things are going on the baby front, I answer simply with a “they aren’t”. That usually takes care of any potential follow-up questions.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. Or that it upsets me. Quite the contrary, I simply don’t know where we are headed, and for the first time in this incredible journey, I am  happy, not just ok, not knowing. This certainly impacts my control issues, but in some ways that too may be a positive thing, as issues always have a way of coming back to bite you in the ass. Best to deal with them while the iron is hot (or is that to strike them while they’re right in front of you?)

I remain, faithfully wishing, in my own  awkward-forever changing-way.