Mission- possible?

October 29, 2010

Being that this weekend is Halloween, I am thinking a lot about children. I have wavered between wanting them and not caring for them and pretending to not want them. With the influx of the cold weather, pumpkins and candy comes my ticking clock. Maybe it’s the cute kids in costume, or maybe it’s the sugar.

Welcome back baby making machine! (This time, it would be great if you worked).

I had a whirlwind of a summer. Truth be told, it was bigger than a whirlwind, more like a tornado. Things shifted, feelings and trust were tested and my life was flipped upside down to right side up back upside down more times than a ride at La Ronde.

I’m not sure what I’m meant to learn through it all, I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe it was the universe’s way of distracting me from my baby mission, giving me enough time to allow me to breathe, to make waves and to work (really hard) to repair my life.

Now I’m back and ready to embrace this baby thing, with my husband right here next to me. We can figure this all out together, on the same page. We will be each others sounding boards and shoulders.

So onwards and upwards towards this new mission.

I like to call it mission-possible. Cause it is.

L*

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(In) Difference.

October 13, 2010

I am on a roller coaster as of late. I can’t get off it either. I don’t know how to feel good, or bad anymore. I have entered the realm of indifference.

Don’t get me wrong, I still laugh (and cry) but I do it sans flair. The wind has been taken out of my sails, the gas of my tank, the energy of my… you get the picture. This is a tricky place to be, I’m in dangerous waters because all I want for myself is the life I planned out, but it doesn’t seem to be what’s in store, at least not right now.

Now what? Without my usual passion for life, I am sort of… boring. Empty. Soulless. At least that’s the way I see myself.

How to I break the cycle or funk I find myself in? Not a clue. I figure that the best thing to do is to keep charging ahead status quo, maybe something new will pop into my life and breathe new excitement into me. Maybe not. I guess that is the chance that I have to take in this life.

I wanted a baby, I wanted travel and excitement, I wanted love, I wanted freedom.

I just can’t have it all (at least not at the same time).

L*

Believe it.

October 3, 2010

It has taken the better part of my lifeĀ  to understand that people don’t always mean what they say or say what they mean or do what they say they would do. That lesson was most likely the greatest one for me to learn, and when I say greatest I mean most difficult.

“Hey, so nice to see you, we should get together for a drink!” Yeah, I’d think, what an excellent idea! When? But truth be told, they were just saying that to be polite. It may not be that they didn’t like me, or that they did (perhaps it had nothing to do with me at all), it was just one of those things people say.

I guess that characteristic, which is one of my most prominent, really hinders my being able to maneuver through this baby thing. I take what people say at face value, I believe what I read and what I hear (with the exception of grocery store mags, cause I mean a man cannot have a baby…right?) and so it makes this trying to start a family process all the more challenging. There are no rules, no right or wrong way. Just road-blocks, signs and signals and misunderstandings.

That’s why I had to give up the books, the test strips and the temperatures. None of it meant anything in the end. So far, all I have to show for all my reading, trying and experimenting is lots of money spent and impractical knowledge. I’m still not sure how to proceed, and truth be told, for the time being I’m far too frightened to even think about it all.

When time charges ahead, as it inevitably will, I will look back at these entries and wonder what exactly I was feeling, or if I truly believed that my time would ever come.

The coolest thing about the human condition is our resilience.

This means that I can’t give up, even if I wanted to.

L*

All we need is love… really? Does love lift us up where we belong? I mean, where do we belong? I guess that’s a good first question to address.

Did anyone ever impart to me the reality behind the love-drug effect? You know, that fluttery feeling you get in the beginning. Ahhh the beginning. That famous phase that every single couple is far too familiar with, since we spend years dreaming about it. That sneaky trickster of a feeling. Nowhere does the book of love mention that a successful love relationship has less to do with fuzzy warm feelings and more to do with compromise, frustration and tantrums (or is that last one only me?)

I met a man, who I fell so madly in love with that I married him. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Then you go start your life together (because before that I guess I was dead…) So you buy the house- check. You get a pet- check, check. You get a car (or truck since we live in the ever over indulgent North-American dream scape… I digress)- check. You work hard and secure a good job- check. You make a baby together… hmmm… I said: you make a baby together! Still waiting.

Where, in this famous book does it give advice for the imperfect plan? I mean isn’t it: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes L with a baby carriage? Hasn’t this idea been drilled into my head since I was… well whenever it was that we sang that ridiculous song. How will we know what to do next? The track is laid out, it seems that everyone in our circle has taken this route. It’s like we’re waiting to ride in the same direction, but we’ve no vehicle. We need to re-invent the wheel (or in this case the train, you get the gist).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that love isn’t enough. You have to have a foundation of trust, understanding, commitment (that’s a big one, because you will undoubtedly screw up) and openness. You also have to have that magical ingredient that all relationships over time have realized is the key.

It’s not love, it’s like. Like goes a long way and can be found on the holiday weekend when love decides to take a mini break.

L*