Fe-blues-uary

February 2, 2011

It’s that time of year again. You inevitably feel, well… shitty. Is it the dark, cold mornings (and evenings come to think of it) or the light cold days? Wow, not much to compare.

We all revel in our homes, near a fireplace (if you’re lucky enough to have one, living here) and eat, eat, watch TV and eat, waiting for spring to show her face. By the time spring arrives we are, much like the vampires of yesteryear, unable to face the sun, paler than a ghost and hungry for… well just hungry because we’ve developed a serious eating habit over the course of the winter. This never looks like Twilight, nope, more like Dracula- especially our toenail growth. Ughhh.

In more recent years I started to check in come January, because time flies, and it’s best to be ready when spring comes knocking. So yes, I have my share of melancholy February but I also eat less, cut my toenails and hop on an elliptical from time to time.

We are creatures of habit, yes. We just don’t need to look like creatures.

L*

 

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Cats in the cradle.

January 19, 2011

Are we meant to become our parents? Is this an inevitable fact of life? For all the moaning that I hear over this possibility, I see myself in a very good position. I love my mum, and wish I was more like her.

So there.

Seriously though. She’s been through so much in her lifetime and carried herself with poise, grace and humility. She’s considerate, she loves all of her children- equally- no matter how they came into her life. My mum loves to sing (and act) and isn’t afraid to try new things- be it sushi or starring in a play.

And mostly, she’s beautiful. Inside and out.

For this, I welcome myself becoming my mum, as I inevitably approach motherhood I am considering all the possibilities.

Being like my mother? Amazing.

L*

A different view

January 9, 2011

We’re all trying to accomplish something in our own lives at the moment. It’s important to remember that other people have their own big issues, however small they may seem to us.

I think that is a big part of what gets me through this excruciating wait. I look around and see that the friends who have all their children, may have just lost their job or someone else who makes a load of money at a job they love can’t find the right person to spend their life with. There are so many distinctly different scenarios with all the same dichotomy. One good and one, well… shitty.

Yeah I’m getting closer everyday to my ultimate goal of having a child of my own, but what is waiting on the other side of that success? Maybe the place I find myself in now is the lesser of two evils.

Maybe this is as good as it gets and I’ve spent more time moaning than living it up. Never too late to do better.

Changing my view, one baby step at a time- no relation intended.

L*

 

Familia.

December 2, 2010

I was at my sister’s today, watching my niece and nephew dancing in the living room to Salsoul Christmas (they’re 2 and 4), and let me also say that unless you grew up in my home, Salsoul Christmas is probably not for you… but I digress.

I realized today one simple thing: that we’re family, and that means that we all get to enjoy watching these little people grow. It’s not the carrying of the child that makes the mother, and it’s not the having the children that makes the maternal instinct. I am who I am, regardless of circumstance. I’m just so blessed to be able to be a part of the big picture. Being an Aunty is awesome. Some of the glory, all of the fun and none of the responsibility.

I mean, as a high school teacher and married woman living with her husband, how often do I get to make rooster noises or dance like a fool?

Almost never.

Thanks to my littlest family members for the good times, while we build and grow our own family.

L*

King Sized

November 29, 2010

I was thinking back to when I was a little younger, living on my own and living it up. I went out when I wanted, spent money on whatever pleased me in the moment and I chose when I came home and whether I did so alone (pg 13).

The one thing back then that never needed any consideration was my sleeping arrangement. I was a single woman in possession of a queen sized bed. A hot commodity. I got to sleep in any position I wanted, stretching as far as my 5’5 frame would allow, in any direction. It was absolute sleeping bliss. Actually it was bliss, full stop.

Once I met the man of my life I began to share this queen sized bed. In the beginning it was thrilling; we could cuddle up and share the bed, together. However this was early days. When we moved in together officially, the sleeping arrangement evolved to a point where we each had our own sheets, then eventually comforters. My husband had back issues on and off and chose to sleep on the floor from time to time. I thanked the Lord for small favours.

When I was in the height of fertility drug taking, he was sent to another room, and so began my love affair with sleeping alone. Truth be told, until this past week, we slept separately for the most part. I think deep down we both loved it, although I took the flack for it, and did so gladly- in exchange for a wonderful night’s sleep.

Last week we had a new bed delivered. A king sized bed, also known as the divorce bed. They say this because of all the space it provides the sleepers.

I call it the marriage saver – because of all the space it provides the sleepers.

L*

Mission- possible?

October 29, 2010

Being that this weekend is Halloween, I am thinking a lot about children. I have wavered between wanting them and not caring for them and pretending to not want them. With the influx of the cold weather, pumpkins and candy comes my ticking clock. Maybe it’s the cute kids in costume, or maybe it’s the sugar.

Welcome back baby making machine! (This time, it would be great if you worked).

I had a whirlwind of a summer. Truth be told, it was bigger than a whirlwind, more like a tornado. Things shifted, feelings and trust were tested and my life was flipped upside down to right side up back upside down more times than a ride at La Ronde.

I’m not sure what I’m meant to learn through it all, I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe it was the universe’s way of distracting me from my baby mission, giving me enough time to allow me to breathe, to make waves and to work (really hard) to repair my life.

Now I’m back and ready to embrace this baby thing, with my husband right here next to me. We can figure this all out together, on the same page. We will be each others sounding boards and shoulders.

So onwards and upwards towards this new mission.

I like to call it mission-possible. Cause it is.

L*

(In) Difference.

October 13, 2010

I am on a roller coaster as of late. I can’t get off it either. I don’t know how to feel good, or bad anymore. I have entered the realm of indifference.

Don’t get me wrong, I still laugh (and cry) but I do it sans flair. The wind has been taken out of my sails, the gas of my tank, the energy of my… you get the picture. This is a tricky place to be, I’m in dangerous waters because all I want for myself is the life I planned out, but it doesn’t seem to be what’s in store, at least not right now.

Now what? Without my usual passion for life, I am sort of… boring. Empty. Soulless. At least that’s the way I see myself.

How to I break the cycle or funk I find myself in? Not a clue. I figure that the best thing to do is to keep charging ahead status quo, maybe something new will pop into my life and breathe new excitement into me. Maybe not. I guess that is the chance that I have to take in this life.

I wanted a baby, I wanted travel and excitement, I wanted love, I wanted freedom.

I just can’t have it all (at least not at the same time).

L*

Believe it.

October 3, 2010

It has taken the better part of my life  to understand that people don’t always mean what they say or say what they mean or do what they say they would do. That lesson was most likely the greatest one for me to learn, and when I say greatest I mean most difficult.

“Hey, so nice to see you, we should get together for a drink!” Yeah, I’d think, what an excellent idea! When? But truth be told, they were just saying that to be polite. It may not be that they didn’t like me, or that they did (perhaps it had nothing to do with me at all), it was just one of those things people say.

I guess that characteristic, which is one of my most prominent, really hinders my being able to maneuver through this baby thing. I take what people say at face value, I believe what I read and what I hear (with the exception of grocery store mags, cause I mean a man cannot have a baby…right?) and so it makes this trying to start a family process all the more challenging. There are no rules, no right or wrong way. Just road-blocks, signs and signals and misunderstandings.

That’s why I had to give up the books, the test strips and the temperatures. None of it meant anything in the end. So far, all I have to show for all my reading, trying and experimenting is lots of money spent and impractical knowledge. I’m still not sure how to proceed, and truth be told, for the time being I’m far too frightened to even think about it all.

When time charges ahead, as it inevitably will, I will look back at these entries and wonder what exactly I was feeling, or if I truly believed that my time would ever come.

The coolest thing about the human condition is our resilience.

This means that I can’t give up, even if I wanted to.

L*

All we need is love… really? Does love lift us up where we belong? I mean, where do we belong? I guess that’s a good first question to address.

Did anyone ever impart to me the reality behind the love-drug effect? You know, that fluttery feeling you get in the beginning. Ahhh the beginning. That famous phase that every single couple is far too familiar with, since we spend years dreaming about it. That sneaky trickster of a feeling. Nowhere does the book of love mention that a successful love relationship has less to do with fuzzy warm feelings and more to do with compromise, frustration and tantrums (or is that last one only me?)

I met a man, who I fell so madly in love with that I married him. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Then you go start your life together (because before that I guess I was dead…) So you buy the house- check. You get a pet- check, check. You get a car (or truck since we live in the ever over indulgent North-American dream scape… I digress)- check. You work hard and secure a good job- check. You make a baby together… hmmm… I said: you make a baby together! Still waiting.

Where, in this famous book does it give advice for the imperfect plan? I mean isn’t it: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes L with a baby carriage? Hasn’t this idea been drilled into my head since I was… well whenever it was that we sang that ridiculous song. How will we know what to do next? The track is laid out, it seems that everyone in our circle has taken this route. It’s like we’re waiting to ride in the same direction, but we’ve no vehicle. We need to re-invent the wheel (or in this case the train, you get the gist).

I guess what I’m trying to say is that love isn’t enough. You have to have a foundation of trust, understanding, commitment (that’s a big one, because you will undoubtedly screw up) and openness. You also have to have that magical ingredient that all relationships over time have realized is the key.

It’s not love, it’s like. Like goes a long way and can be found on the holiday weekend when love decides to take a mini break.

L*

Deceiving.

September 28, 2010

I am scared that I am not meant to be a mother. I am frightened by the idea that I may never be able to carry a child and assist God in a miracle, as they say. I want so badly to be strong and courageous on the inside.

Lately, I look around at every opportunity I have ever had, not with fascination or pride but with longing and regret. All the years I tried, I could have been doing… something else. I’ve been told that this is not a way to live, but to those people I say: walk this road and then come and speak to me. I don’t want your advice; I want a hug, I want an understanding ear and I want to feel like no matter what I say, it will be received without judgment (short of committing a crime, cause in that case feel free to report me).

I teeter from day to day, making more mistakes in recent months than I have in my whole life. Feeling regret one moment and indignation the next. Wanting to be a part of the exclusive club of the new mums and then belong to the itchy feet of the travelers club. I want to be married for life and I want to be alone tomorrow.

I thank my lucky stars for a supportive husband. I pray that these moments will dissipate as time goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for.

This course is deceiving.

L*